(no subject)

Aug. 18th, 2017 10:52 am
kittydesade: a bright red queen chess piece at the head of a diagonal line of white pawns on a white background (red queen running)
[personal profile] kittydesade
I am all over the place today. First the day was starting out all right, I didn't get my exercise in but that's fine, then I get in and shortly after I finish doing various crap I check Twitter and find out there's not one but two Nazi/KKK rallies scheduled for my state's capitol later today oh fun. Then I dealt with copy-pasting the text of Turing Shrugged into Scriv for formatting, okay fine, then I dithered at the very patient [personal profile] lireavue for a while over whether or not I should find advance readers, then I did, which was a much better cause for nerves than the fucking Klan but still very nervewracking!

Then I stress ate a shitton of fried food and stress-bought some makeup brushes because the cheaper ones I got are, well, one's fine and okay and that's dandy, but one that I thought was perfect for the purpose turned out after using it a couple times to be sharp and prickly and stabby and that is not what I want near my eye so, back to the drawing board. So to speak. I think I've got my full brush regiment sorted, though. It's just vaguely annoying and dithery and I probably would have put it off and just worked with the (admitted shitton of) brushes I had but a) eye poking, b) it's a very specific function, c) apparently I ported over my mini painting particularity of brushes (don't ask how many mini painting brushes I have okay) into makeup and d) eye poking.

Heh. My makeup brush kit though. Cobbled together from EcoTools, Sigma, Morphe, Ardell, um. The blue and gold ones I can never remember. It looks a mess, no aesthetics whatsoever, but look, Ecotools gives me everything except the specific size eye brushes, and they're good quality and cheap, so I'll take it for as much as I can and go ahead and cobble the rest together.

Also my makeup game today is on fucking point.

So stressed. I was going to get all kinds of shit done and then I stressed myself out, and then I wore myself out, and I did manage to get the formatting done but none of the other writing I could have done since day jobligations were light today and ARGH. I need to breathe. To be easier on myself and to remember to step away when I have to, when it gets to be too much or too close but still far enough away that I can't do anything about it. And. And and and.

I need to breathe and do capoeira exercises every time I wind myself up like this is what I need to do. Physicality helps me and right now I'm healthy enough to take advantage of that. I should remember this.

Plus side, I do have advance readers still, I'm mostly on track with both writing and con prep (barring today's working up and coming down), and everything else at least is going well. I can do this. I just need to stop freaking the fuck out over, oh, everything.

(no subject)

Aug. 17th, 2017 09:25 pm
kittydesade: (morning ugh)
[personal profile] kittydesade
It's been a long damn two days. Between capoeira and then working a normalish day but having come home and done a bunch of household chores after and basically I haven't stopped moving since yesterday morning and didn't get enough sleep and I am so damn tired. I almost fell asleep over my desk. Which would have been bad since I was labeling a bunch of pointy stabby clay tools.

But at this point I'm running on boxes of nerds to stay awake long enough to finish things and get to sleep and do the nightly reminders and ugh. I should buy things off and go to bed early if I can't.

I'm also having one of those moments where I look at Turing Shrugged and think, how arrogant am I that I can decide this novel is ready for publication when a small press publishing house didn't want it? It's a stupid weasel. I had already pushed to get it to the point where I felt comfortable giving it to someone as here-it-is-a-novel whether for submission or publication or whatever. And I have a second run-through in the works just to make sure Editrix and I aren't wrong. And I have vague plans to share it around with a circle of beta readers too? So yes, self, you are not passing off a half-assed product as a finished novel, you have done your duty. So that weasel can just go piss up a rope.

I bet I know where it comes from, is I'm reading over Long Road and cringing at large chunks of it and wondering where the hell all this pretentious writing came from, especially in this book. And if I could misjudge that so hard etc etc. But I already did feel dubious about Long Road, have for every damn draft, and this one is starting off promising so I'm hopeful that it won't end up being another draft for the bin (draft four! heh) so this is not an arrogance problem. This is the luck of Turing Shrugged came out, inexplicably, mostly right. So there.

Besides, Starlight is finishing up with its second draft and I can already tell it's going to need either heavy editing so it might as well be a third draft or an entire third draft. Blergh.

Oh well. I'm still mostly on course with all my writing crap, and I can work on THAT tomorrow. After, I hope, a good night's sleep.

(no subject)

Aug. 16th, 2017 12:14 pm
kittydesade: (under construction (nopejr))
[personal profile] kittydesade
After a night's sleep, not a good one but not a bad one either given that I was woken up by Murdock and Mikey having confrontations at each other, did manage to get pretty quickly back to sleep. And after that I am still bummed about being rejected but no longer I suck I am no writer I shouldn't inflict my writing on anyone. So that's good.

I'm still physically exhausted tho. Maybe I shouldn't have had that burger for lunch but I was counting on going to capoeira. Or maybe this is just running around at work so I have time to write at the end of the day, that could be it, too. Not that there was that much running around but there was enough of checking things in, putting things out on shelves, and collecting things to ship out to schools that... bleh. Other than tired I don't really feel bad, so I guess I am going and training. Damn you. Yes you are. Because you enjoy training in the midst of things, you enjoy the results of it, you enjoy knowing how to move your body to kick ass, and you're much better at getting in a hard workout around other people.

Some days. Okay, most Mondays where I have any extent of work to do. Talking myself out of skipping class is a pain in the butt. But I've been talking myself out of skipping class for, what, three years now?

TWO. Two years. Okay, then. It just feels like three years. I actually think I feel better about my progress in some areas/lack of progress in others. (read: anything to do with handstands.)

And I got 500 words written, which isn't nothing. I'm getting some pages edited. I got the cover art done, not done-done but more cover art drafts for Turing Shrugged, Malachy, and Starlight done. I should figure out a blog post to do and a Patreon post on Turing Shrugged and if I'm very very lucky I can get a scene done on Starlight, and that's more than a full day's work, self, so it's okay to be tired and want to just collapse at the end of the day. It's fine.

Oy my brain. Trying to tell me I have to get everything done immediately, pack all the costumes for DragonCon tonight and so on. I bet this is a reaction to the rejection letter. Be all the productive! Do all the things! Shut up brain or I will stab you with a q-tip. See, this is why I need to go to capoeira, just focus on kicks and evasions for a while and not all the things I should have done or should be doing.

(no subject)

Aug. 15th, 2017 07:52 pm
kittydesade: (this old house)
[personal profile] kittydesade
Well. Today was once again mostly good on the personal stuff except one thing, and a complete and utter shitshow politically. I don't have the energy to get into that ridiculous destructive speech. I'm just ugh and swear words by now.

But Turing Shrugged got rejected from the second publication, which in a way I'd been hoping for because I wasn't looking forward to getting used to people not in my existing circle of trust telling me what to do with my novel? But it's still a rejection. It still hurts, it brings up all the old questions of whether or not I know what I'm doing, and I was already having "I'm a crap writer" feelings earlier today before I saw that. And now I want to put it all away and not show it to anyone and so on and so forth, and I have ... well, doubts. All kinds of exhausted doubts that are too tired to even take much hold. I don't know what to do.

My thinking brain has a plan of formatting it up, ordering a proof copy to share around the proof party of authors, maybe give a couple away, and doing the last final tweaks of this sentence here and this sentence there while I work up a marketing campaign? My first ever? I don't know what to do for that other than tweet about it and start working on my blurb copy.

I'm tired all over again, and I didn't sleep well last night, and I was tired and angry and sad before I got the damn rejection letter. And I keep thinking about the fact that I've never had a novel acceptance. Short stories some of them.

Ugh, I don't know. I'm feeling really, really sad and useless and stupid right now.

(no subject)

Aug. 14th, 2017 10:19 am
kittydesade: (rampage)
[personal profile] kittydesade
I don't even know what to do with things lately. One friend of a friend had a sudden abrupt death resulting from an accident, another friend's mother went into the hospital via ambulance eleven days ago and is now also gone, another friend went into the ER Saturday morning (but thankfully did not die, and is not ... too much worse off for it?) another friend's grandfather-in-law seems to be on his way out but at least it's not the most unexpected ever, just difficult. And in short what the fucking hell can the universe step off for five days or so?


Now really all the DragonCon expenses have been paid for, except obviously food, so all that's left is not buying all the makeup shinies seriously self, you can take what you have to play with your girlfriends and it will be fine. Or any other shinies and so on, including research books. And sweats unless the current ones develop massive holes suddenly. Or anything else. It's fine. Really. Self. The money is for a few weeks from now and then you can go spendhappy. Oy. This is why I can't have nice checking accounts.

(No, seriously, I keep most of my money illiquid FOR EXACTLY THIS REASON. Actually I should do that more often since I have two credit cards on which to put emergency expenses and it doesn't take that long to liquify some assets to pay off/down credit cards used in emergency. Besides, investments accrue faster than savings. Usually.)

(Bless you, grandpa.)

Anyway. Argh. I've spent most of today feeling dizzy for no goddamn reason so I got very little outside of day joblingations done. And I was going to mop the floor tonight but between all the daily shit I have to do and possibly still feeling dizzy I don't know if that's going to happen either. So this has been a fun day and about all I can say for it is I didn't have to go home sick and end up feeling even more guilty because I was wasting a perfectly good half-day not doing writer work but laying on the couch staring at the television and not absorbing any of it for my panels.

I got my panel schedule! I have an MCU panel, a Black Sails and a Vikings panel which amuses the shit out of me because I've been doing a lot of historical research lately, and a Sense8 panel. So I guess I'd better rewatch it all and start taking notes on at least Sense8. Black Sails and Vikings I even mostly remember at least as far as I've seen and I haven't missed much, so that's good.

(no subject)

Aug. 11th, 2017 09:36 pm
kittydesade: A delicate hand reaching up to pluck fruit from a tree (give me the fucking fruit)
[personal profile] kittydesade
Somehow I am awake, despite having been woken up by the boyfriend at god knows what hour of the morning (after five, before five forty five, I think a three was involved somewhere) and despite him then going to bed at seven so I had to tiptoe around him and not do my exercises while I got ready and despite all the aggravation this caused.

I also finished Rupert Wong Cannibal Chef, which had surprisingly little human cannibalism in it despite the title, in fact it had very few humans in it at all, a lot of gore, and a hell of a lot of fun. If you're all right with giblets flying everywhere and description thick on the page, this is a good book for you. It's also a short, quick read.

I did the thing! Which is to say I emailed the lawyer for a follow-up appointment to go over the contract and hopefully it will be the last one because not only are lawyers expensive, they are fucking nervewracking. I do seem to have cured at least, eh, a good chunk of my do not want to write? Although I've been doing fiddly shit at work and people keep interrupting me to talk at me, so I haven't gotten as much done as I could have yesterday when it was quiet as hell. But it's a start. And I feel vaguely more balanced on projects. Which is to say I have three things I'm working on, I know where they're going and what I'm doing. It's going to be okay. It could be okay, anyway. The worst it's going to be is banal.

Am having the usual body image stress leading up to DragonCon, although to be honest I'm not significantly worse off? In worse shape? Than I have been the last two years running, so I'm doing mostly all right telling those voices to shut the hell up. And I've now done capoeira both lessons in one week! For the first time in a few weeks. My ability to exercise in the morning is still middling, but I'm getting better about sneaking in 5 minutes of a yoga pose here and there at work so that's not bad.

I also need to be easier on myself in capoeira and out of it, for that matter. I can do about three sets of 8 kicks (left and right) before I'm panting so hard I have to sit down for fifteen minutes and be still. Yes, it sucks, but I need to remember that it's just a fact of my life and. Ugh.

But okay, yes. Things not going badly, things not so much getting better as getting easier? Definitely consistent writing progress is happening, which is very nice.

(no subject)

Aug. 10th, 2017 11:25 pm
kittydesade: (facepalm - dean)
[personal profile] kittydesade
I'm having one of those days where I will literally do almost anything before I will sit down and write, filing, emails. Because why not. Ugh. I don't even know why or what kicked this off, but it's aggravating. I did get two book covers slapped together easy peasy (not final covers, but drafts) but writing anything is like pulling teeth. And I would know because I had my wisdom teeth pulled with only a local.

Actually I'd prefer writing to having my wisdom teeth pulled with only a local anesthetic.

I did manage to get the minimum of words written. I started a Wiki article on Nameless, I did cover art because apparently that's what I would rather do along with day jobligations than write when my brain is like this. And I didn't manage to get any damn thing done as far as new languages go today, but at least some things got done. I'll take that for a win and try again tomorrow, I guess.

(no subject)

Aug. 9th, 2017 01:09 pm
kittydesade: (what about eternity)
[personal profile] kittydesade
Okay, that's cosplay for DragonCon organized. Apparently I'm doing Daenerys Stormborn, half-assed closet cosplay Planeswalker (oh god I haven't done Magic The Gathering in so long), Abby Sciuto, America Chavez. I might actually give in and get a curling iron or hair curlers for America Chavez, assuming I could ever figure out how to use either.

I finally sat my ass down while Editrix was there and got White [??sd;fjhgsdf??] figured out, and even got a tentative title of White Noise for it now that White Lightning is taken and possibly defunct anyway. Which means now I have a to-do list and order of operations and so on! And a need for cover art. Meh. Still not sure what that should be now that the title's shifted. Buuut I got all the font bundles extracted and loaded at least onto the work computer so I can work on that if it's slow during the day. And I got kind of a mock-up of cover art for Malachy upon tripping over a font that looked surprisingly nice. Hey. Now all I need is something that can superimpose a golden ratio over my cover so I can see where to put things.

(And with all of this planning and fonts arranging and then some photo editing my brain is refusing to fucking cooperate and settle down. Goddammit brain.)

(.... ahahah I never posted this yesterday okay fine you get the start of a post from yesterday)

Today I'm tired, I did manage to start off the day getting some writing done, I got my face put on and the trash out and everything. I got to sleep in because my exercise is in the evening, yay. But I'm also tired and annoyed at the various leaders who are all I WILL SEE IT DONE IN FIRE AND BLOOD no fuck you go away. And. I don't know. I'm excited about everything in my life, once again, except global politics. Fuck global politics.

A Wednesday Reads type post then, since I've been doing a lot of fiction writing because real life is awful and I don't wanna write. I'm currently reading Cassandra Khaw's Rupert Wong Cannibal Chef and just hearing the Shadowrun game playing in my head. It's awesome fun. It's also brimful of vocabulary and references that are... southeast asian? of some kind? I know it's set in Kuala Lumpur but I don't know how much of it is local and how much is imported from neighboring countries so I feel like there's a few jokes I'm missing out on. But that's around 10% of the overall jokes and references so eh. It's entirely comprehensible and hilarious. And once I finish this one and start googling, educational!

I finished Buried Heart, too, which was an excellent ending to the whole thing and Fucking Gargaron, as I'm now calling him thanks to a Twitterer Kate Elliott RT'd, got his just desserts. And mostly everyone got to be happy, and it was a rollicking good time. I read NK Jemsin's The Fifth Season and The Obelisk Gate in short/quick order which was not as much a rollicking good time and involved a lot of screaming WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU FUCKERS DO THIS TIME and so on. But I enjoy that too.

Next up will probably be the next Gods and Monsters from CKhaw, and apparently I did the Shattered Earth speed run just in time because the next one's supposed to be out soon? And then I get a choice between Updraft, Borderline/Phantom Pains, and, um. I don't know, I have a lot of shit here. I feel like if I say "A Darker Shade Of Magic" everyone's going to recommend it to me so probably I'll end up reading about apocalypse hippos instead.

(no subject)

Aug. 7th, 2017 11:32 am
kittydesade: (never deal with a dragon)
[personal profile] kittydesade
Well THAT was a thing that happened.

So, Kate Elliott reblogs and tirades about a guy reviewing Cassandra Khaw's books saying there's too much gore and something to the effect of it's not ladylike she's trying to be one of the guys and trying too hard to be in the club and whatever, dude. And CKhaw's answer is basically "OKAY FINE I WILL FUCKING INCREASE THE FUCKING THING" which is automatically endearing. So I was all "Okay I'm sold where do I start on your stuff." She tells me Rupert Wong, Cannibal Chef. I go and look at it on Amazon and okay, yes, I am up for something that looks like someone rolled for random traits on a Shadowrun chargen table. Which I pretty much said to her, not expecting really anything because RPGs are still not the commonest thing, and Shadowrun somewhat less so. (Somewhat! It's not that obscure but still.) And no. The character was totally based, among other things, on a Shadowrun character she has. And then she friended me on Twitter and I friended her and that is how I made a new author friend.

She asked me to livetweet the book reading and I totally will. There will probably be much screaming.

Just about everything is set up for DragonCon except costumes, which I'm kind of "eh" about taking. But I guess I'll try things on over the weekend and see what fits, what works. I'm definitely taking the Daenerys dress if nothing else, which means I need to style the wig. Not sure if I really want to give over a weekend to finishing the Agent Carter outfit but I have the hat if I need to. I have pants and clothes for Wynonna Earp, America Chavez, and Abby Sciuto so okay I guess I am doing costumes. Right. At least America Chavez, Wynonna Earp, and Abby. and Daenerys. And that's about everyone. And I always do Abby, let's face it. Abby is my go-to.

Nngh. I have my DragonCon funds liquefied and ready and this just makes me want to buy all the shiny things ever and no, self. The money is for DragonCon, so you can have a fun DragonCon and not nickel and dime every meal. That's why it exist, which it won't if you spend it all on shinies now. Fortunately the will checks are easy but there's still that initial "EEEEEE" that's making me twitch.

Plus I've got a hair coloring appointment in a couple weeks to get my Medeous streaks in for DragonCon. Which ought to be fun. The one good side effect to slowly going gray is that I don't have to bleach my hair to get a few strands of really RED red. I'd really love it though if I could just get a damn skunk streak or two and cosplay OH SHIT. *stares at the Daenerys dress*

Ahem. So it's safe to say I'll be cosplaying at DragonCon. Albeit subtly and with freedom of movement and all. I might also see if I can get my Nyssa coat to work and if I have the rest of her costume together, except the shoulder brace. That'd certainly be easy and movement free to work on.

Oof. And I spent most of today reading when I wasn't working so absolutely no writing work got done at work so I get to cram it all in tonight yay. That was silly of me but eeehh I can't bring myself to care very much either. Good books.

(no subject)

Aug. 4th, 2017 10:02 pm
kittydesade: A cup of tea sits on an open book with perhaps some poetry written in it and singing around the edges (books and cleverness)
[personal profile] kittydesade
Well, that was a day of ups and downs. Deposited all the various checks part one, which is to say Aunt flung some money my way because she's silly and I got paid because it was payday. Bought ALL OF THE DRAGONCON CRAP which was mostly the makeup case and some protein bars and things, as well as some other stuff for Bri and the matte eyeshadows I was going to get after next paycheck but eh, since I have it now might as well not wrack my nerves over shipping in time. And entered my bills in my budget so that it at least looks like I don't have all of the money. It's a three paycheck month so I'm stupid early and can wait until the indulgences clear before paying bills.

BUT right after I deposited my checks the fun of "oh shit my phone isn't getting a signal and there's no GPS it's dead I need a new phone" happened. Which I suspected happened because it's almost four years old and iPhones aren't exactly known for their durability. No, it turned out my phone's fine, it's just almost all of the state was subject to a cell outage. Okay then.

I got a blog post written, finished a chunk of Long Road and imported another chunk to go over, so writing happened. And I even got some books out of the library that may or may not be of use for some of Lifestyles, although some of it will definitely be of use. And now I need to take an inventory of my research books and figure out what I need for Long Road. Which shouldn't be much, I've only been collecting books for that for a few years now.

(Poking at bookshelves it looks like I have assorted on European/British history but only two that likely are the right era in hard copy, I do have one on Gevaudan, and I have one on the Spanish Flu/Flu Pandemic 1918 but not much on life in that era, I might have to dig around for sources there, too. And according to my outline I also need 800s to 1200s Ireland/UK and post-Civil-War Westward Expansion era .... stuff. Life stuff. So that's a bit more specific at least.)

And! And I got my languages and my physics done. For the first time in a few weeks, I had the energy, plus doing some laundry. So. Okay. I might be crawling back on track. And on the plus side I never quite lost track of my writing, just the other stuff. So. Okay. I might be ... something. Approaching stable by the time I have to leave for DragonCon, heh, but still! It's progress.


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